An Unpleasant Realization

This was taken from my journal:

"I now recognize (though my flesh still oppose it) this: that if I am in the Word daily, not just reading, but absorbing and applying, then I am stronger. Likewise, if I am not in the Word in such a way, I will find myself in more sin.
I do not wish it to be so, for I do not always like or enjoy reading the Word, and at these times it is even harder to take the Word to heart. This is because my own selfish desires still hold a place of power in my soul.
And it is a difficult mountain to overcome when the method by which one conquers selfish desire is by doing the very thing that desire opposes. Thus, by spending time in the Word and meditating on it, even when I do not want to, I begin to usurp the thrown of selfishness and allow God to take His rightful place as ruler over my being and my desires."